Dear Husband to Be (maybe),
Hey there! Right?  Right, I'm talking to someone?  Cause I'm kind of getting the feeling that I'm not.  I'm kind of feeling okay with needing to let go of this idea.  I'm feeling like it hurts more to hold on to it.  At some point I need to be okay with whatever. 
In all honesty, I don't know that I'll ever be good enough for you.  Not that I'm not good, but good in the way that I'm supposed to be in order for this to happen.  Or maybe ready is a better word than good.  Maybe it's just going to take too much for me to be ready. 
I feel like I'm supposed to care for my body in a much better way in order for you to notice me and then feel good about my example as a mother and wife cause I'm caring for myself better.  I feel like you need my body to be different to want to be around me and to feel proud of who the other half of you is. 
I feel like I need to be less "blue" less emotional.  Less emotionally charged, less teary and sensitive.....and I don't know any other way to be except when I try to be very "yellow," very organized, thoughtful, careful and logical.  I feel like blue/emotional can be a lot to take in, and I don't want you to have to "work" to take me in. 
I feel like I need to be better at caring for my home....dishes and laundry are everyday things and I should have them down by now.  Yet I still have to rev myself up everyday to do them.  I still cry about my laundry sometimes which is ridiculous.  Cry!
I feel like I should be better at working diligently to progress spiritually.  I should be holding personal and family scripture study, Family Home Evening, more consistent family prayers, studying the lessons each week, and visiting the temple often.
I feel like I need to be cooking enough to at least have a good collection of recipes gathered for the family.  And that I should be exercising everyday for energy, strength, and good balanced health....and that these things should be habitual by this point in my life.
I also feel like I should laugh more.  That I'm too serious and taking too long to process life without giving myself permission to go with it, live it, and enjoy it.  It's like I don't know if what I'm laughing at is okay cause I don't really know or trust where I am on the fence of right where I need to be or taking a left turn.  And my insecurities keep me from fully letting go cause I would never want the world to really see me.

Or maybe I'm okay with not being ready because I don't really feel like you are worth the risk.  It's not worth it to me to accidentally choose the wrong guy.  What if I chose the wrong guy??!!  That would be so awful.  More than awful.  I could never do it.  I won't do it.  Or what if what I'm offering to the right guy is the wrong girl??  How awful it would be to know I AM THE WRONG GIRL.
I don't like not feeling in control of my emotions.  And love kind of forces you to lose that control.  That's where I fall into the confusing blur of right and wrong and good judgment.  I rationalize everything and give entirely too many benefit of the doubts.  I don't trust many of my examples and am not getting enough of the good ones I want to know more about. 
I know that Heavenly Father will make this all right.  He will work it out in my mind, and he will help me work it all out as it should be.  I'm just learning that there might not be a husband to be, or more babies that I birth, and that I should be okay with however that turns out.  Bummer.
Your Sweetheart to Be (or not),
Stephanie