Dear Husband To Be,
I should follow up and tell you that I'm happy to report I am mostly debt free. I have some toll fee drama to clear up and of course my student loans, but even the student loans are in a program with a plan and on their way to payoff. When I'm all paid up I will have saved my family (you too maybe?) something crazy like $70,000! You are proud of me for that, yes? Cause I am quite proud.
I am winging it with no car right now and looking to add a little debt with that, but I've paid off a couple of cars and that should count for something. I also have a slew of things for sale that I am hoping could make a dent in my efforts to get more financially stable. My biggest triumph will be living within my means enough that I can be a regular tithe payer. I'm so inconsistent at this point that I know I won't be comfortable with my financial situation until that is consistent.
I'm certain you will care about these money logistics. I need you to care.
I'm really wanting to attend a singles conference coming up, but it's also at the same time kind of the last thing in the world I want to do. The thought of speed dating and dancing and being looked at in a way that others are deciding if I'm for them or not...........it all makes me quite sick at my stomach. I over share. I say all the wrong things. Forced dancing is awkward. I'd rather just feel the music and dance the night away in a totally free spirited kind of way. Not in a "ask her to dance to get to know her" kind of way (see previously statement: I say all the wrong things). I feel like the kind of lovely people don't get when they first see me. They have to have time to ponder me a bit and decide if I'm for them. In a sea of plenty, I don't see me being the one that catches an eye. These types of things don't seem much like a good singles event kind of mix. And what if I'm approached by a clearly not-for-me guy? Do I go through the motions to be kind? Of course I should...right?
At the same time, how will I ever get comfortable if I don't LEARN. This truly is something I need to learn. I know how to dance and talk and have fun. I feel okay about the way I look, and it's possible someone else might too. (girls of course always do...it's the boys that don't notice so much)
I once had a 32 year old single girl tell me at church that every time she sees me she sees art. And the very same day, a 32 year old single guy (who I'd met at least 3 times before) asked me "what's your name again?" (and the first time I introduced myself to him he said to me, "I know who you are" in such an interesting almost flirtatious way!)
Okay so I'm going to go. I'm going to register and attend and practice my heart out so that when it's time to meet you I will be comfortable enough to make it happen. It probably wouldn't be fantastic to throw up on you because of all the over analyzing that goes into these sorts of things.
You should know how hard this is for me.
Your Sweetheart To Be,
Stephanie
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Dear Husband to Be,
I have not written to you in so long. I've been busy though. I was getting myself into kind of a slump. I was questioning my life and feeling quite strongly that I wasn't living the life I was supposed to be living. Like perhaps I had gotten it all wrong. And I certainly wouldn't want to set up a lifetime of all wrong!
I'm in my early 30s and was feeling quite overwhelmed and uneasy. I was relying less on spiritual components to lift me and compound interesting my way into money madness. I was filling our every blasted minute with things to do, and I was taking in every deal my shoppers (my mother and grandmother) thrifted because it was beautiful and cheap (which happens to be a fantastic combination). I was always feeling behind professionally and not so confident in what I was providing to the students in my classroom. I was feeling irresponsible even for choosing such a low paying profession when I am the sole provider in my home. And even as strongly and confidently as I felt about graduate school, I also felt a little irresponsible for adding to my student loan debt for it when it never compensated financially.
In exasperation I went to my Bishop with giant crocodile tears. In fact the moment I walked into his office was a release of built up fear, frustration, and overwhelming inadequacy. It was by far the biggest release I had had in a long time. It was the beginning of my most recent transformation. I think it was humbling too. It was humbling because I was realizing that I wasn't relying on my Father in Heaven much for anything. I was feeling a tremendous amount of pressure to do this all by myself, and the reality is I can't. I need to turn to him in conversation each day. To process with him, to read his words, and to make decisions based on bringing myself (and my family) closer to him. And anything outside of that is extra. I needed to be writing and pondering. I know that about myself, that that's how I process life the best and when I receive spiritual promptings...when I'm still, writing, and deep in thought. When I take the time to listen.
So I've put forth a lot more effort. We read our scriptures most every night. We say morning and evening family prayers everyday, and individually pray all day long (even the boy). I write. Often. And mostly in my personal journal. I pray for specific things, and feel the answers. We have lots of discussions about life, and navigating through teenage years which helps build a testimony for us both as we decide how to live our lives. I think he's really trusting in the principals of the gospel and growing his own testimony. I feel good about it. I'm taking a money class and also working with a sister at church who is helping me tweak my budget so that it works, and to connect me with others that know so much about navigating through money and how to make it work in my favor. It's helpful to be taught these things. I'm getting my money lessons at 33...yowza. The boy, he'll be getting those at 13 (now!), and it will be constant conversation forever as well. I see a chiropractor often to help get my body healthier. It is amazing. I feel a little sore and broken through the process of correcting some things that have been wrong a long time, but he assures me it's working, and I feel that too. Now to start walking. My body is aching for it, literally craving it! I need to start. No way around it. I have a lot more patience at work. I am so connected with my students and feel great....so so great about this year. I will be so sad when they move on to 4th grade in about 40something days. I will really miss this group.
I'm working hard to feel good about this life I'm living, and I feel like it's working so far. My goal this year is to just be excited about life. To feel good inside. To feel content. To be at peace. I'm on a good path. I feel lighter. It's a good way to be.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
I have not written to you in so long. I've been busy though. I was getting myself into kind of a slump. I was questioning my life and feeling quite strongly that I wasn't living the life I was supposed to be living. Like perhaps I had gotten it all wrong. And I certainly wouldn't want to set up a lifetime of all wrong!
I'm in my early 30s and was feeling quite overwhelmed and uneasy. I was relying less on spiritual components to lift me and compound interesting my way into money madness. I was filling our every blasted minute with things to do, and I was taking in every deal my shoppers (my mother and grandmother) thrifted because it was beautiful and cheap (which happens to be a fantastic combination). I was always feeling behind professionally and not so confident in what I was providing to the students in my classroom. I was feeling irresponsible even for choosing such a low paying profession when I am the sole provider in my home. And even as strongly and confidently as I felt about graduate school, I also felt a little irresponsible for adding to my student loan debt for it when it never compensated financially.
In exasperation I went to my Bishop with giant crocodile tears. In fact the moment I walked into his office was a release of built up fear, frustration, and overwhelming inadequacy. It was by far the biggest release I had had in a long time. It was the beginning of my most recent transformation. I think it was humbling too. It was humbling because I was realizing that I wasn't relying on my Father in Heaven much for anything. I was feeling a tremendous amount of pressure to do this all by myself, and the reality is I can't. I need to turn to him in conversation each day. To process with him, to read his words, and to make decisions based on bringing myself (and my family) closer to him. And anything outside of that is extra. I needed to be writing and pondering. I know that about myself, that that's how I process life the best and when I receive spiritual promptings...when I'm still, writing, and deep in thought. When I take the time to listen.
So I've put forth a lot more effort. We read our scriptures most every night. We say morning and evening family prayers everyday, and individually pray all day long (even the boy). I write. Often. And mostly in my personal journal. I pray for specific things, and feel the answers. We have lots of discussions about life, and navigating through teenage years which helps build a testimony for us both as we decide how to live our lives. I think he's really trusting in the principals of the gospel and growing his own testimony. I feel good about it. I'm taking a money class and also working with a sister at church who is helping me tweak my budget so that it works, and to connect me with others that know so much about navigating through money and how to make it work in my favor. It's helpful to be taught these things. I'm getting my money lessons at 33...yowza. The boy, he'll be getting those at 13 (now!), and it will be constant conversation forever as well. I see a chiropractor often to help get my body healthier. It is amazing. I feel a little sore and broken through the process of correcting some things that have been wrong a long time, but he assures me it's working, and I feel that too. Now to start walking. My body is aching for it, literally craving it! I need to start. No way around it. I have a lot more patience at work. I am so connected with my students and feel great....so so great about this year. I will be so sad when they move on to 4th grade in about 40something days. I will really miss this group.
I'm working hard to feel good about this life I'm living, and I feel like it's working so far. My goal this year is to just be excited about life. To feel good inside. To feel content. To be at peace. I'm on a good path. I feel lighter. It's a good way to be.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
