wondering and such.

Dear Husband to Be,
I've been thinking of you again.  Not in a yearning kind of way, but more in a curious way.  I'm wondering about you.  About the look of you.  About your temperament and demeanor.  About your quirks.  About your style...will you need my help or will you have that all figured out? (it's perfectly acceptable to not quite have that figured out)  Will our styles mesh?  (of course they will) 

What are your family holidays like?  What are your traditions?  What are you doing with your life?  Why are we not yet connected?  Is it me?  Do I have more work to do?  I do...but I mean, the kind of work that makes me ready for you.  Cause I kind of feel ready.  I think.  It's hard to tell because I'm often more content with a life of me and the boy.  It doesn't feel complicated.  Or as complicated as all that would be required for my slow processing brain to take in another kind of life.  I feel like I would resist every change or stage.  But perhaps I wouldn't and life wouldn't be "another" life, but would be our lives enriched.  Like the sadness that comes just before having the second child and wondering how you could ever love someone as much as the first, yet upon arrival seeing that the love only expands (isn't split) and engulfs all that is necessary and more.  Sigh.  I know I am capable of this. 

Have you ever considered living in another country for a year?  Or a summer?  Would your job allow such shenanigans?  I'm yearning for a big idea for the boy and I.  I have several somethings swirling in my head that all seem dreamy yet realistic(ish).  But then there's that hint of fear.  Fear of change (although that's the point), fear of making mistakes, fear of not doing things according to HF's will.  Fear of ruining the boy, although I almost feel prompted to make this sort of change for him.  Another country for a school year?  A far off orphanage for a summer?  Such decisions would require amazing downsizing of this massive collection of things I have accumulated in my 32 years.  That alone makes me almost leap with excitement. 

I suppose I'll go and ponder.  And pray.  Are you doing these things?  We will do them together as well, so make sure you are in a good habit on your own;)
Until next time....
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie