wondering and such.

Dear Husband to Be,
I've been thinking of you again.  Not in a yearning kind of way, but more in a curious way.  I'm wondering about you.  About the look of you.  About your temperament and demeanor.  About your quirks.  About your style...will you need my help or will you have that all figured out? (it's perfectly acceptable to not quite have that figured out)  Will our styles mesh?  (of course they will) 

What are your family holidays like?  What are your traditions?  What are you doing with your life?  Why are we not yet connected?  Is it me?  Do I have more work to do?  I do...but I mean, the kind of work that makes me ready for you.  Cause I kind of feel ready.  I think.  It's hard to tell because I'm often more content with a life of me and the boy.  It doesn't feel complicated.  Or as complicated as all that would be required for my slow processing brain to take in another kind of life.  I feel like I would resist every change or stage.  But perhaps I wouldn't and life wouldn't be "another" life, but would be our lives enriched.  Like the sadness that comes just before having the second child and wondering how you could ever love someone as much as the first, yet upon arrival seeing that the love only expands (isn't split) and engulfs all that is necessary and more.  Sigh.  I know I am capable of this. 

Have you ever considered living in another country for a year?  Or a summer?  Would your job allow such shenanigans?  I'm yearning for a big idea for the boy and I.  I have several somethings swirling in my head that all seem dreamy yet realistic(ish).  But then there's that hint of fear.  Fear of change (although that's the point), fear of making mistakes, fear of not doing things according to HF's will.  Fear of ruining the boy, although I almost feel prompted to make this sort of change for him.  Another country for a school year?  A far off orphanage for a summer?  Such decisions would require amazing downsizing of this massive collection of things I have accumulated in my 32 years.  That alone makes me almost leap with excitement. 

I suppose I'll go and ponder.  And pray.  Are you doing these things?  We will do them together as well, so make sure you are in a good habit on your own;)
Until next time....
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie

there must be a swing.

Dear Husband to Be,
In my adulthood I have found one consistent obsession that seems to linger in the back of my mind regularly.  It's my go-to thought.  It's my EASYbutton, or relief button, or dreamy ultimate relaxation button that when pressed transfers to the forefront of my mind and releases a beautiful feeling of peace throughout my being.  It's true.  It's true that in our life together there must be a swing.

A beautiful hanging porch swing.  A swing that will rock us as we hold hands, rock us as we ponder life, rock us as our family grows, rock us as we take on the world.  My tween is almost a teen and he will certainly benefit from the peace of the swing.  He will be the child to break in the rocking-the-childhood/teenage-worries away.  I will sit with him in the breeze and he will grow stronger.  As will the children that follow him.

You can build it or we can purchase it.  It can be white, or yellow, or artistically crafted.  It will be amazing and it will be ours.  There most certainly must be a swing.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie

good morning.

Dear Husband to Be,
once upon a time i would wake up in the mornings in the same condition as when i slipped away into dreamland the night before.  every hair in place, my washed and cared-for face...or the samemascaraasthedaybefore face always looking as though i was fresh and ready for the day.    people commented...how long have you been awake?  did you even sleep?  how do you do that?
and
now
i
get
it.
cause now, not so much.
my body is stiff and i move a smidge like my grandma. 
my face is always puffy...with sleep marks...and yesterday's mascara.  only now yesterday's mascara is smudged across my eyes like a raccoon.
my hair often has a missing bobby pin stuck in it somewhere, and it's certainly not "fixed" with each strand perfectly obeying.
and if i did happen to follow the nightly routine of washing my face, you might see a clean kind of scary no make-up face, and no eyelashes.  no eyelashes.  not because i have no eyelashes, but because they are blond and you cannot see them, which it quite a contrast from the thick layer of black i put on them daily.  it's lovely.  lovely i tell you.
are you excited to wake up next to me?  can you just not wait?

perhaps in your favor is that i am a morning person.  i always wake up happy.  yesterday really was yesterday...i love new beginnings/fresh starts any way i can get them.  and i really feel that way about every day.  
i might not appear beautiful right away, but i feel beautiful-ish.  almost like cinderella singing to the birds (so beware?).  if you give me a bit to transform, i will in fact transform.  Have a little bit of leeway for those few necessary beauty products to make it all happen;)
Your Sweetheart to Be (tenderly warning you),
Stephanie

Dear Husband to Be,
There is nothing in this world that I relish more than being a mother.  I absolutely whole heartedly love it.  Yet, I hate the holiday of Mother'sDay.  And hot on it's tail is a holiday I despise even more, Father'sDay.  Now, you should know I have a list of way varying reasons for such strong feelings pertaining to circumstances that belong both to me and those around me....we'll talk all those details one romantic night when you're dying to know why I think the way I do about life and such.

You must must must be on my side in thinking that together we raise the children to celebrate our family members.  We teach them what that looks like, what that feels like.  We get to teach them what it is to serve and love each other everyday...and creatively on days meant just for them: birthdays, mother's days, father's days, anniversaries, and more.  There's more!  I will gather the children and we will celebrate you.  You will gather the children and celebrate me.  Even if it's to declare "I Love You" in a powerful happy way.  And together we celebrate each member of our family.  It will be an exciting time to honor each of our own.  Presents?Hmpf.  The focus is acknowledgement.  Sweet, beautiful acknowledgement that you are important.  You matter.  And you are loved.  There will be no dread, no worry, no stress.  There will be no more knot in the pit of my stomach as these holidays near.  And the children will learn how to care for the relationships in their lives. 

I do my best to do it myself.  Honestly, my very very best.  But the 2days that belong in May and June in particular are a minimum two-man job.  For now that means emotional chaos for all members in our home.  One day, it will be different.  And all I can think about that time is yesssssssssssssssssss.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie

is this a good time?

Dear Husband to Be,
I don't really know if this is a good time to bring it up.....buuuuut, your honey-do list is getting a little full.  I mean, I'm pretty self-reliant and roll my eyes at many things some other women wouldn't dream of doing on their own.  But there are a few things.  The I-cannot-figure-it-out kind of things.  Or the there's-no-way-I-can-do-that-without-help kind of things.  And so if you could just kind of keep that in mind while we're working on this whole "time apart" thing, that would be great:)
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie

attributes and time.

Dear Husband to Be,
Does this describe you?  Is this the relationship you think of when you think of me? 

faithful priesthood bearer

servant of our Father in Heaven

tender and eternal relationship

mutually dedicated and devoted to nurture and support our children (and grandchildren!)....sometimes husbands leave the nurturing part for the mother.  not you, though.  thank you for that (in advance).

with you the cute boy and i will be blessed and protected

joyous life together

and more...

and so to prepare for our meeting I will read my scriptures everyday and never miss a personal prayer, and not worry about when we will meet but feel confident that at the appropriate time we will.  A wise, adorable man once told me in a blessing not to fret.  A beautiful lady shared her testimony at church on Sunday and talked about how time is erased the moment we receive the person/thing/act we longed for.  Sometimes it feels like too long.  But it's so true that all that longing and waiting and very real awareness of time, disappears.  Such reassurance and peace.

Your Sweetheart to Be,

Stephanie

feeling the idea.

Dear Husband to Be,
There are some days when I feel like I'm living more for you than others.  Well, I mean days that I am living more with you in mind.  This blog, puts you in my mind.  Often I am mostly aware of the idea of you...the logistics, the simplicity of getting to function with my best friend, not having to making every darn decision on my own, getting to have you there for all those little moments I wish someone else got to see/feel/experience with me.  Like that cute boy of mine doing something...cute.  or hilarious.  or so kind for someone else that it sends in instant lump in your throat.  I know those aren't only sentimental motherly feelings.  I know that you will delight in them, too.  Or even my own small victories and moments of bliss, and totally hilarious blunders (cause they are frequent and interesting).  One day I will tell you why I hestitate before going intoWalgreens.  It will be nice to have you there.
What I think these letters will do to me most is remind me of what it might feel like to know you.  The idea of you is simple, obvious logistics.  But the feeling of you is something harder to imagine.  It's harder to get right.  It's harder to understand and know.  It's the feeling that I am scared to get swept away in and then all sense of rationality goes flying out the window.  I like that I can tap into the feeling of you a smidge and maintain my sense of self.  You should know I am not a fan of not knowing/understanding myself.  So I'm sure at some point in our dating I will get incredibly overwhelmed by my feelings and have a total freak-out.  It's okay...give me a second to process and when I understand me (or am comfortable with that moment of not understanding), all will be right in the world.
Today while I finish up the laundry and organizing of the ol treehouse I will do it with you in mind.  It's really for the boy, but I often think that when we are in order and progressing it's bringing us closer to you. 
Are you doing the same?
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie