Dear Husband to Be,
I have not written to you in so long.  I've been busy though.  I was getting myself into kind of a slump.  I was questioning my life and feeling quite strongly that I wasn't living the life I was supposed to be living.  Like perhaps I had gotten it all wrong.  And I certainly wouldn't want to set up a lifetime of all wrong! 

I'm in my early 30s and was feeling quite overwhelmed and uneasy.  I was relying less on spiritual components to lift me and compound interesting my way into money madness.  I was filling our every blasted minute with things to do, and I was taking in every deal my shoppers (my mother and grandmother) thrifted because it was beautiful and cheap (which happens to be a fantastic combination).  I was always feeling behind professionally and not so confident in what I was providing to the students in my classroom.  I was feeling irresponsible even for choosing such a low paying profession when I am the sole provider in my home.  And even as strongly and confidently as I felt about graduate school, I also felt a little irresponsible for adding to my student loan debt for it when it never compensated financially. 

In exasperation I went to my Bishop with giant crocodile tears.  In fact the moment I walked into his office was a release of built up fear, frustration, and overwhelming inadequacy.  It was by far the biggest release I had had in a long time.  It was the beginning of my most recent transformation.  I think it was humbling too.  It was humbling because I was realizing that I wasn't relying on my Father in Heaven much for anything.  I was feeling a tremendous amount of pressure to do this all by myself, and the reality is I can't.  I need to turn to him in conversation each day.  To process with him, to read his words, and to make decisions based on bringing myself (and my family) closer to him.  And anything outside of that is extra.  I needed to be writing and pondering.  I know that about myself, that that's how I process life the best and when I receive spiritual promptings...when I'm still, writing, and deep in thought.  When I take the time to listen. 

So I've put forth a lot more effort.  We read our scriptures most every night.  We say morning and evening family prayers everyday, and individually pray all day long (even the boy).  I write.  Often.  And mostly in my personal journal.  I pray for specific things, and feel the answers.  We have lots of discussions about life, and navigating through teenage years which helps build a testimony for us both as we decide how to live our lives.  I think he's really trusting in the principals of the gospel and growing his own testimony.  I feel good about it.  I'm taking a money class and also working with a sister at church who is helping me tweak my budget so that it works, and to connect me with others that know so much about navigating through money and how to make it work in my favor.  It's helpful to be taught these things.  I'm getting my money lessons at 33...yowza.  The boy, he'll be getting those at 13 (now!), and it will be constant conversation forever as well.  I see a chiropractor often to help get my body healthier.  It is amazing.  I feel a little sore and broken through the process of correcting some things that have been wrong a long time, but he assures me it's working, and I feel that too.  Now to start walking.  My body is aching for it, literally craving it!  I need to start.  No way around it.  I have a lot more patience at work.  I am so connected with my students and feel great....so so great about this year.  I will be so sad when they move on to 4th grade in about 40something days.  I will really miss this group.

I'm working hard to feel good about this life I'm living, and I feel like it's working so far.  My goal this year is to just be excited about life.  To feel good inside.  To feel content.  To be at peace.  I'm on a good path.  I feel lighter.  It's a good way to be.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie

Dear Husband to Be,
It's summer and life is good around here.  I have been pretty productive at home and with our summer goals and that feels really good.  There's a lot of organizing and such I'd like to do in the house and perhaps that will be my gig tomorrow.  I got myself out of a sleep routine and while I'm sleeping more (which is way good) I've also landed myself a bit out of sorts.  I haven't been to bed before 2am all week and I'm not really a fan of that sleep routine.  I'm a morning person regardless which means I'm up early no matter what and so I've been a crazy drowsy lady.

I have NEWS: I'm working on a business venture.  I'm just doing it.  I've had a little idea festering for a while and decided that I will never get out of my $5000debt(yep, I put it out there) or my student loan debt(which I'm not puting out there) or our blasted treehouse with this teaching gig alone.  And since I still don't know if or when you will be in the picture and also since I'd like to still do a whole lot of living it makes since for me to take some risks.  I'm not nervous at all.  Today I had a few hiccups in logistics, but yesterday was fabulous progress.  I'm sure it will keep going like that.  Maybe you'll notice the masters degree and the small (small small) business and forgive my student loan shenanigans when I tell you I want to be home while mothering our wee ones.  I'm trying darn it.  It feels really good.  And I feel like I have a solid, fool-proof, totally simple idea so I'm hoping for a good supplement to put us just above where we need to be.  Nothing lavish (so don't get your hopes up), not that I wouldn't welcome it if it came to give us a little more than expected.

Anyhoo, feeling strong and independent and Rosie theRiveter-ish lately.  You will appreciate that about me, yes?  And you will also step in and allow me to be a little less independent some too:)
Okay, off to just be with the teenager.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie

P.S. I'm kind of wondering about this boy of mine shaving his face.  If you were here you would totally help him with that.  My word he's practically turning into a man...hurry up.

Dear Husband to Be (maybe),
Hey there! Right?  Right, I'm talking to someone?  Cause I'm kind of getting the feeling that I'm not.  I'm kind of feeling okay with needing to let go of this idea.  I'm feeling like it hurts more to hold on to it.  At some point I need to be okay with whatever. 
In all honesty, I don't know that I'll ever be good enough for you.  Not that I'm not good, but good in the way that I'm supposed to be in order for this to happen.  Or maybe ready is a better word than good.  Maybe it's just going to take too much for me to be ready. 
I feel like I'm supposed to care for my body in a much better way in order for you to notice me and then feel good about my example as a mother and wife cause I'm caring for myself better.  I feel like you need my body to be different to want to be around me and to feel proud of who the other half of you is. 
I feel like I need to be less "blue" less emotional.  Less emotionally charged, less teary and sensitive.....and I don't know any other way to be except when I try to be very "yellow," very organized, thoughtful, careful and logical.  I feel like blue/emotional can be a lot to take in, and I don't want you to have to "work" to take me in. 
I feel like I need to be better at caring for my home....dishes and laundry are everyday things and I should have them down by now.  Yet I still have to rev myself up everyday to do them.  I still cry about my laundry sometimes which is ridiculous.  Cry!
I feel like I should be better at working diligently to progress spiritually.  I should be holding personal and family scripture study, Family Home Evening, more consistent family prayers, studying the lessons each week, and visiting the temple often.
I feel like I need to be cooking enough to at least have a good collection of recipes gathered for the family.  And that I should be exercising everyday for energy, strength, and good balanced health....and that these things should be habitual by this point in my life.
I also feel like I should laugh more.  That I'm too serious and taking too long to process life without giving myself permission to go with it, live it, and enjoy it.  It's like I don't know if what I'm laughing at is okay cause I don't really know or trust where I am on the fence of right where I need to be or taking a left turn.  And my insecurities keep me from fully letting go cause I would never want the world to really see me.

Or maybe I'm okay with not being ready because I don't really feel like you are worth the risk.  It's not worth it to me to accidentally choose the wrong guy.  What if I chose the wrong guy??!!  That would be so awful.  More than awful.  I could never do it.  I won't do it.  Or what if what I'm offering to the right guy is the wrong girl??  How awful it would be to know I AM THE WRONG GIRL.
I don't like not feeling in control of my emotions.  And love kind of forces you to lose that control.  That's where I fall into the confusing blur of right and wrong and good judgment.  I rationalize everything and give entirely too many benefit of the doubts.  I don't trust many of my examples and am not getting enough of the good ones I want to know more about. 
I know that Heavenly Father will make this all right.  He will work it out in my mind, and he will help me work it all out as it should be.  I'm just learning that there might not be a husband to be, or more babies that I birth, and that I should be okay with however that turns out.  Bummer.
Your Sweetheart to Be (or not),
Stephanie

hi there.

Dear Husband to Be,
What up yo?  I mean, how's it going?  We haven't talked in a bit.  Have we even crossed each other's thoughts?  I ignored you on Valentine's, and through all that mushy advertised planned commercial mumbo jumbo (key to my heart: creative, thoughtful and simple).  I think I felt sorry for myself for a minute, but honestly it's March now and I can't really remember.  I think I remember feeling myself looking (unfairly) to that boy of mine placing an unrealistic expectation on him to fill my void.  All I wanted was an exchange of love letters.  I would do that with him even if I was married.  And even if he were a girl.  I think it's sweet and simple and lovely (everyone wants to hear how much they are loved).  But when the letter exchange didn't happen and I curled up in a ball inside I knew I was taking it to a whole other place.  Again, it'll be so much simpler when you are involved...right?  (as much as it comforts, that thought also kind of pisses me off that I can't just accomplish it all in the grand way I want on my own).  And why can't I?  I TOTALLY CAN....ugh, I'm getting all hot and bothered again.

Okay, so I think I'm particularly fragile right now and needing to just close up the computer to fall into my cozy bed and start again tomorrow. 
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hilarious that i just thought, "oh, you can't handle me being fragile and i can only write to you when i'm in a good/right/acceptable/appropriate state of mind?"  so, did you know we just had our first fight?:)  you don't even have to participate!  geez, you've got your work cut out for you is all i'm sayin.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie

(a few) more inquiring questions.

Dear Husband to Be,
If you could do anything you wanted with little (or maybe even no) limitations, what would it be?  Would you travel the world?  Would you buy a farm (with a swing;)?  Would you collect every fun "toy" (boat, old cars, etc.) or live modestly and save your loot? 
If money were no object, what would your dream job be?  What are your ideal financial dreams/goals/plans?  Aside from "to have a lot of money" (which seems like a typical or more obvious answer)  I mean really, what do you want?  Why?  Are you doing anything now to work towards those financial ideals?

What do you dream of doing with your family?  When you picture them, what do you think of?  What image comes to mind?  Do you see faces?  Do you see traditions?  Do you see routine, family rhythm, things you always do or say?  Do you see things your family MUST experience together? the beach? snow? forts? game nights? outdoor movies? (the possibilities are as big or small as you imagine them...what are they?)

What do you want for yourself?  Who do you want to be?  Are you living the life you want to live?  Or at least following the path you feel good about living, and trusting that it will get you to the life you want to be living?  Are you the person you want to be, even when you are by yourself?  Are you becoming the man you thought you'd become?  Is it better, worse, or just as you imagined? 

Do you smile at people?  Do you shake hands?  Do you have a firm handshake? (cause I'll be honest and say I would die otherwise:)  Do you notice people's body language?  Are you helpful when help is needed?  Or even when it's not?  Do you ask what you can do to help?  Or say, I'd like to help with 'this' when you suspect they'd still not be comfortable delegating?  Are you aware?  Observant?  Faithful?

Do you speak kindly about yourself?  Do you speak kindly to yourself in your self-talk?  What would others say about you?  What would YOU say about you? 

I suppose that's all for now.  For today.  I'm sure I'll have more;)
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie

wondering and such.

Dear Husband to Be,
I've been thinking of you again.  Not in a yearning kind of way, but more in a curious way.  I'm wondering about you.  About the look of you.  About your temperament and demeanor.  About your quirks.  About your style...will you need my help or will you have that all figured out? (it's perfectly acceptable to not quite have that figured out)  Will our styles mesh?  (of course they will) 

What are your family holidays like?  What are your traditions?  What are you doing with your life?  Why are we not yet connected?  Is it me?  Do I have more work to do?  I do...but I mean, the kind of work that makes me ready for you.  Cause I kind of feel ready.  I think.  It's hard to tell because I'm often more content with a life of me and the boy.  It doesn't feel complicated.  Or as complicated as all that would be required for my slow processing brain to take in another kind of life.  I feel like I would resist every change or stage.  But perhaps I wouldn't and life wouldn't be "another" life, but would be our lives enriched.  Like the sadness that comes just before having the second child and wondering how you could ever love someone as much as the first, yet upon arrival seeing that the love only expands (isn't split) and engulfs all that is necessary and more.  Sigh.  I know I am capable of this. 

Have you ever considered living in another country for a year?  Or a summer?  Would your job allow such shenanigans?  I'm yearning for a big idea for the boy and I.  I have several somethings swirling in my head that all seem dreamy yet realistic(ish).  But then there's that hint of fear.  Fear of change (although that's the point), fear of making mistakes, fear of not doing things according to HF's will.  Fear of ruining the boy, although I almost feel prompted to make this sort of change for him.  Another country for a school year?  A far off orphanage for a summer?  Such decisions would require amazing downsizing of this massive collection of things I have accumulated in my 32 years.  That alone makes me almost leap with excitement. 

I suppose I'll go and ponder.  And pray.  Are you doing these things?  We will do them together as well, so make sure you are in a good habit on your own;)
Until next time....
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie

there must be a swing.

Dear Husband to Be,
In my adulthood I have found one consistent obsession that seems to linger in the back of my mind regularly.  It's my go-to thought.  It's my EASYbutton, or relief button, or dreamy ultimate relaxation button that when pressed transfers to the forefront of my mind and releases a beautiful feeling of peace throughout my being.  It's true.  It's true that in our life together there must be a swing.

A beautiful hanging porch swing.  A swing that will rock us as we hold hands, rock us as we ponder life, rock us as our family grows, rock us as we take on the world.  My tween is almost a teen and he will certainly benefit from the peace of the swing.  He will be the child to break in the rocking-the-childhood/teenage-worries away.  I will sit with him in the breeze and he will grow stronger.  As will the children that follow him.

You can build it or we can purchase it.  It can be white, or yellow, or artistically crafted.  It will be amazing and it will be ours.  There most certainly must be a swing.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie