Dear Husband to Be,
Today I would have given you a honey-do list. And it might have been a few days long kind of list, but it would be lovely to have your help. And surely you would be able to read me well and know the things that were unmentioned that I still needed you to do...in addition to encouraging me, making me laugh, or any kind of husband-type of shenanigans like that.
In my classroom I have a pint sized classroom husband. I swear I'll glance over at a stack of paper and he (my pint sized, newly 9 year old classroom husband) who knows my every thought it seems will go immediately over and organize it real quick (if that's what needed to be done). He does all the little "duty" kind of stuff throughout the day, he wants to help me nonstop, and if I giggle at something he will drop everything to make me keep laughing. I tell his mom all the time about what a fantastic husband he will be one day! I've had a lot of pleaser-type students, but he really takes the cake at being able to coexist and make up where the other one (me, his peers, anyone) lacks. This year I happen to be the other one...what a lucky lady I got to be!
It seems like there are some characteristics that are just ingrained in people. Some levels of thoughtfulness are innate, some are learned through experience. I love that. I love the idea of you already having enough experience to read me because you will pay attention. That I won't have to teach you that. Of course there are so many things I need to learn about relationships, and that we will be learning about each other. But that this kind of desire to be really in tune will be a characteristic that draws me to you. That's my hope anyway.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Dear Husband to Be,
So, twice recently I have been in conversations with people about love and relationships. They are inquiring (of course) as to your whereabouts, and then I have to reveal that not only do I not know you, but that I'm working my way to "fine" about not knowing you. Through some logic I've decided there's no rush to find you anymore. I'm turning 35 in a couple of months and since that brings me closer to out of the baby making stage of life I can slow down on the urgency of you. I mean, we'd be meeting, marrying, and getting right on that.........and since I don't feel any closer to ready I am closing the whole fiasco down. And while that is devastatingly sad some days, it's reality. So I suck it up and deal and so it is.
Now, perhaps we will meet later in life but right now....I wouldn't even know how to transition life to that state of mind right now. I wouldn't even know how to soak in or react to that kind of attention to me. I feel like I would see you looking at me caring and inquiring and interested and nurturing and loving and I would be sitting there weeping. I wouldn't know how to take you in. There's a time for everything and it's not my time. It's possible I might not have a time.
See, love is beautiful! It's warm, fulfilling, and even brings peace and varying levels of joy and happiness. I love my child. love. Love nurturing, caring for, teaching, laughing with, and just being. I love my students. The 20 I'm teaching now, the 2 that moved in the school year, and the approximately 60 others I've taught in my classroom since I began. I even love the others in the halls that look at me bright eyed because I'm Ms.G(!!) on campus. I love my friendships. Some days it feels like they complete me. They can touch and speak to the very depths of my soul. They know me...even the hard parts of me. They understand me and we talk and laugh and act silly and cry and can travel to the deepest parts of life and love and nurture each other. I love my family because even while they don't really know or understand me, they love me. They love me (and I love them) just because we're family. Just because. I even try to love and see goodness in acquaintances and strangers. I put forth a lot of effort and genuinely feel love for people.
I am only open to the kind of love in a relationship that derives from friendship and travels through those deepest parts of each other and decides even there that these 2 lives can be good together. They (together) understand and respect and adore. They nurture and help and uplift. They are willing to put forth effort towards good for each other and bringing each other down or chipping away at one's spirit would never exist. That even mistakes and downfalls and maybe even hard times come from good intentions or just life. Because those things will inevitably come...but not because of wronging each other.
I could never be okay with choosing anything other than that.
So couldn't life just be equally as fulfilling if I filled it full of love, but just not the love from a relationship? If life is all about love and I filled it (mostly) full of love isn't that enough?
I don't look for you. Maybe I should put forth more effort. Or maybe I should be realistic.
I'm done for today.
More later.
Stephanie
So, twice recently I have been in conversations with people about love and relationships. They are inquiring (of course) as to your whereabouts, and then I have to reveal that not only do I not know you, but that I'm working my way to "fine" about not knowing you. Through some logic I've decided there's no rush to find you anymore. I'm turning 35 in a couple of months and since that brings me closer to out of the baby making stage of life I can slow down on the urgency of you. I mean, we'd be meeting, marrying, and getting right on that.........and since I don't feel any closer to ready I am closing the whole fiasco down. And while that is devastatingly sad some days, it's reality. So I suck it up and deal and so it is.
Now, perhaps we will meet later in life but right now....I wouldn't even know how to transition life to that state of mind right now. I wouldn't even know how to soak in or react to that kind of attention to me. I feel like I would see you looking at me caring and inquiring and interested and nurturing and loving and I would be sitting there weeping. I wouldn't know how to take you in. There's a time for everything and it's not my time. It's possible I might not have a time.
See, love is beautiful! It's warm, fulfilling, and even brings peace and varying levels of joy and happiness. I love my child. love. Love nurturing, caring for, teaching, laughing with, and just being. I love my students. The 20 I'm teaching now, the 2 that moved in the school year, and the approximately 60 others I've taught in my classroom since I began. I even love the others in the halls that look at me bright eyed because I'm Ms.G(!!) on campus. I love my friendships. Some days it feels like they complete me. They can touch and speak to the very depths of my soul. They know me...even the hard parts of me. They understand me and we talk and laugh and act silly and cry and can travel to the deepest parts of life and love and nurture each other. I love my family because even while they don't really know or understand me, they love me. They love me (and I love them) just because we're family. Just because. I even try to love and see goodness in acquaintances and strangers. I put forth a lot of effort and genuinely feel love for people.
I am only open to the kind of love in a relationship that derives from friendship and travels through those deepest parts of each other and decides even there that these 2 lives can be good together. They (together) understand and respect and adore. They nurture and help and uplift. They are willing to put forth effort towards good for each other and bringing each other down or chipping away at one's spirit would never exist. That even mistakes and downfalls and maybe even hard times come from good intentions or just life. Because those things will inevitably come...but not because of wronging each other.
I could never be okay with choosing anything other than that.
So couldn't life just be equally as fulfilling if I filled it full of love, but just not the love from a relationship? If life is all about love and I filled it (mostly) full of love isn't that enough?
I don't look for you. Maybe I should put forth more effort. Or maybe I should be realistic.
I'm done for today.
More later.
Stephanie
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Dear Husband To Be,
I should follow up and tell you that I'm happy to report I am mostly debt free. I have some toll fee drama to clear up and of course my student loans, but even the student loans are in a program with a plan and on their way to payoff. When I'm all paid up I will have saved my family (you too maybe?) something crazy like $70,000! You are proud of me for that, yes? Cause I am quite proud.
I am winging it with no car right now and looking to add a little debt with that, but I've paid off a couple of cars and that should count for something. I also have a slew of things for sale that I am hoping could make a dent in my efforts to get more financially stable. My biggest triumph will be living within my means enough that I can be a regular tithe payer. I'm so inconsistent at this point that I know I won't be comfortable with my financial situation until that is consistent.
I'm certain you will care about these money logistics. I need you to care.
I'm really wanting to attend a singles conference coming up, but it's also at the same time kind of the last thing in the world I want to do. The thought of speed dating and dancing and being looked at in a way that others are deciding if I'm for them or not...........it all makes me quite sick at my stomach. I over share. I say all the wrong things. Forced dancing is awkward. I'd rather just feel the music and dance the night away in a totally free spirited kind of way. Not in a "ask her to dance to get to know her" kind of way (see previously statement: I say all the wrong things). I feel like the kind of lovely people don't get when they first see me. They have to have time to ponder me a bit and decide if I'm for them. In a sea of plenty, I don't see me being the one that catches an eye. These types of things don't seem much like a good singles event kind of mix. And what if I'm approached by a clearly not-for-me guy? Do I go through the motions to be kind? Of course I should...right?
At the same time, how will I ever get comfortable if I don't LEARN. This truly is something I need to learn. I know how to dance and talk and have fun. I feel okay about the way I look, and it's possible someone else might too. (girls of course always do...it's the boys that don't notice so much)
I once had a 32 year old single girl tell me at church that every time she sees me she sees art. And the very same day, a 32 year old single guy (who I'd met at least 3 times before) asked me "what's your name again?" (and the first time I introduced myself to him he said to me, "I know who you are" in such an interesting almost flirtatious way!)
Okay so I'm going to go. I'm going to register and attend and practice my heart out so that when it's time to meet you I will be comfortable enough to make it happen. It probably wouldn't be fantastic to throw up on you because of all the over analyzing that goes into these sorts of things.
You should know how hard this is for me.
Your Sweetheart To Be,
Stephanie
I should follow up and tell you that I'm happy to report I am mostly debt free. I have some toll fee drama to clear up and of course my student loans, but even the student loans are in a program with a plan and on their way to payoff. When I'm all paid up I will have saved my family (you too maybe?) something crazy like $70,000! You are proud of me for that, yes? Cause I am quite proud.
I am winging it with no car right now and looking to add a little debt with that, but I've paid off a couple of cars and that should count for something. I also have a slew of things for sale that I am hoping could make a dent in my efforts to get more financially stable. My biggest triumph will be living within my means enough that I can be a regular tithe payer. I'm so inconsistent at this point that I know I won't be comfortable with my financial situation until that is consistent.
I'm certain you will care about these money logistics. I need you to care.
I'm really wanting to attend a singles conference coming up, but it's also at the same time kind of the last thing in the world I want to do. The thought of speed dating and dancing and being looked at in a way that others are deciding if I'm for them or not...........it all makes me quite sick at my stomach. I over share. I say all the wrong things. Forced dancing is awkward. I'd rather just feel the music and dance the night away in a totally free spirited kind of way. Not in a "ask her to dance to get to know her" kind of way (see previously statement: I say all the wrong things). I feel like the kind of lovely people don't get when they first see me. They have to have time to ponder me a bit and decide if I'm for them. In a sea of plenty, I don't see me being the one that catches an eye. These types of things don't seem much like a good singles event kind of mix. And what if I'm approached by a clearly not-for-me guy? Do I go through the motions to be kind? Of course I should...right?
At the same time, how will I ever get comfortable if I don't LEARN. This truly is something I need to learn. I know how to dance and talk and have fun. I feel okay about the way I look, and it's possible someone else might too. (girls of course always do...it's the boys that don't notice so much)
I once had a 32 year old single girl tell me at church that every time she sees me she sees art. And the very same day, a 32 year old single guy (who I'd met at least 3 times before) asked me "what's your name again?" (and the first time I introduced myself to him he said to me, "I know who you are" in such an interesting almost flirtatious way!)
Okay so I'm going to go. I'm going to register and attend and practice my heart out so that when it's time to meet you I will be comfortable enough to make it happen. It probably wouldn't be fantastic to throw up on you because of all the over analyzing that goes into these sorts of things.
You should know how hard this is for me.
Your Sweetheart To Be,
Stephanie
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Dear Husband to Be,
I have not written to you in so long. I've been busy though. I was getting myself into kind of a slump. I was questioning my life and feeling quite strongly that I wasn't living the life I was supposed to be living. Like perhaps I had gotten it all wrong. And I certainly wouldn't want to set up a lifetime of all wrong!
I'm in my early 30s and was feeling quite overwhelmed and uneasy. I was relying less on spiritual components to lift me and compound interesting my way into money madness. I was filling our every blasted minute with things to do, and I was taking in every deal my shoppers (my mother and grandmother) thrifted because it was beautiful and cheap (which happens to be a fantastic combination). I was always feeling behind professionally and not so confident in what I was providing to the students in my classroom. I was feeling irresponsible even for choosing such a low paying profession when I am the sole provider in my home. And even as strongly and confidently as I felt about graduate school, I also felt a little irresponsible for adding to my student loan debt for it when it never compensated financially.
In exasperation I went to my Bishop with giant crocodile tears. In fact the moment I walked into his office was a release of built up fear, frustration, and overwhelming inadequacy. It was by far the biggest release I had had in a long time. It was the beginning of my most recent transformation. I think it was humbling too. It was humbling because I was realizing that I wasn't relying on my Father in Heaven much for anything. I was feeling a tremendous amount of pressure to do this all by myself, and the reality is I can't. I need to turn to him in conversation each day. To process with him, to read his words, and to make decisions based on bringing myself (and my family) closer to him. And anything outside of that is extra. I needed to be writing and pondering. I know that about myself, that that's how I process life the best and when I receive spiritual promptings...when I'm still, writing, and deep in thought. When I take the time to listen.
So I've put forth a lot more effort. We read our scriptures most every night. We say morning and evening family prayers everyday, and individually pray all day long (even the boy). I write. Often. And mostly in my personal journal. I pray for specific things, and feel the answers. We have lots of discussions about life, and navigating through teenage years which helps build a testimony for us both as we decide how to live our lives. I think he's really trusting in the principals of the gospel and growing his own testimony. I feel good about it. I'm taking a money class and also working with a sister at church who is helping me tweak my budget so that it works, and to connect me with others that know so much about navigating through money and how to make it work in my favor. It's helpful to be taught these things. I'm getting my money lessons at 33...yowza. The boy, he'll be getting those at 13 (now!), and it will be constant conversation forever as well. I see a chiropractor often to help get my body healthier. It is amazing. I feel a little sore and broken through the process of correcting some things that have been wrong a long time, but he assures me it's working, and I feel that too. Now to start walking. My body is aching for it, literally craving it! I need to start. No way around it. I have a lot more patience at work. I am so connected with my students and feel great....so so great about this year. I will be so sad when they move on to 4th grade in about 40something days. I will really miss this group.
I'm working hard to feel good about this life I'm living, and I feel like it's working so far. My goal this year is to just be excited about life. To feel good inside. To feel content. To be at peace. I'm on a good path. I feel lighter. It's a good way to be.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
I have not written to you in so long. I've been busy though. I was getting myself into kind of a slump. I was questioning my life and feeling quite strongly that I wasn't living the life I was supposed to be living. Like perhaps I had gotten it all wrong. And I certainly wouldn't want to set up a lifetime of all wrong!
I'm in my early 30s and was feeling quite overwhelmed and uneasy. I was relying less on spiritual components to lift me and compound interesting my way into money madness. I was filling our every blasted minute with things to do, and I was taking in every deal my shoppers (my mother and grandmother) thrifted because it was beautiful and cheap (which happens to be a fantastic combination). I was always feeling behind professionally and not so confident in what I was providing to the students in my classroom. I was feeling irresponsible even for choosing such a low paying profession when I am the sole provider in my home. And even as strongly and confidently as I felt about graduate school, I also felt a little irresponsible for adding to my student loan debt for it when it never compensated financially.
In exasperation I went to my Bishop with giant crocodile tears. In fact the moment I walked into his office was a release of built up fear, frustration, and overwhelming inadequacy. It was by far the biggest release I had had in a long time. It was the beginning of my most recent transformation. I think it was humbling too. It was humbling because I was realizing that I wasn't relying on my Father in Heaven much for anything. I was feeling a tremendous amount of pressure to do this all by myself, and the reality is I can't. I need to turn to him in conversation each day. To process with him, to read his words, and to make decisions based on bringing myself (and my family) closer to him. And anything outside of that is extra. I needed to be writing and pondering. I know that about myself, that that's how I process life the best and when I receive spiritual promptings...when I'm still, writing, and deep in thought. When I take the time to listen.
So I've put forth a lot more effort. We read our scriptures most every night. We say morning and evening family prayers everyday, and individually pray all day long (even the boy). I write. Often. And mostly in my personal journal. I pray for specific things, and feel the answers. We have lots of discussions about life, and navigating through teenage years which helps build a testimony for us both as we decide how to live our lives. I think he's really trusting in the principals of the gospel and growing his own testimony. I feel good about it. I'm taking a money class and also working with a sister at church who is helping me tweak my budget so that it works, and to connect me with others that know so much about navigating through money and how to make it work in my favor. It's helpful to be taught these things. I'm getting my money lessons at 33...yowza. The boy, he'll be getting those at 13 (now!), and it will be constant conversation forever as well. I see a chiropractor often to help get my body healthier. It is amazing. I feel a little sore and broken through the process of correcting some things that have been wrong a long time, but he assures me it's working, and I feel that too. Now to start walking. My body is aching for it, literally craving it! I need to start. No way around it. I have a lot more patience at work. I am so connected with my students and feel great....so so great about this year. I will be so sad when they move on to 4th grade in about 40something days. I will really miss this group.
I'm working hard to feel good about this life I'm living, and I feel like it's working so far. My goal this year is to just be excited about life. To feel good inside. To feel content. To be at peace. I'm on a good path. I feel lighter. It's a good way to be.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Dear Husband to Be,
It's summer and life is good around here. I have been pretty productive at home and with our summer goals and that feels really good. There's a lot of organizing and such I'd like to do in the house and perhaps that will be my gig tomorrow. I got myself out of a sleep routine and while I'm sleeping more (which is way good) I've also landed myself a bit out of sorts. I haven't been to bed before 2am all week and I'm not really a fan of that sleep routine. I'm a morning person regardless which means I'm up early no matter what and so I've been a crazy drowsy lady.
I have NEWS: I'm working on a business venture. I'm just doing it. I've had a little idea festering for a while and decided that I will never get out of my $5000debt(yep, I put it out there) or my student loan debt(which I'm not puting out there) or our blasted treehouse with this teaching gig alone. And since I still don't know if or when you will be in the picture and also since I'd like to still do a whole lot of living it makes since for me to take some risks. I'm not nervous at all. Today I had a few hiccups in logistics, but yesterday was fabulous progress. I'm sure it will keep going like that. Maybe you'll notice the masters degree and the small (small small) business and forgive my student loan shenanigans when I tell you I want to be home while mothering our wee ones. I'm trying darn it. It feels really good. And I feel like I have a solid, fool-proof, totally simple idea so I'm hoping for a good supplement to put us just above where we need to be. Nothing lavish (so don't get your hopes up), not that I wouldn't welcome it if it came to give us a little more than expected.
Anyhoo, feeling strong and independent and Rosie theRiveter-ish lately. You will appreciate that about me, yes? And you will also step in and allow me to be a little less independent some too:)
Okay, off to just be with the teenager.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
P.S. I'm kind of wondering about this boy of mine shaving his face. If you were here you would totally help him with that. My word he's practically turning into a man...hurry up.
It's summer and life is good around here. I have been pretty productive at home and with our summer goals and that feels really good. There's a lot of organizing and such I'd like to do in the house and perhaps that will be my gig tomorrow. I got myself out of a sleep routine and while I'm sleeping more (which is way good) I've also landed myself a bit out of sorts. I haven't been to bed before 2am all week and I'm not really a fan of that sleep routine. I'm a morning person regardless which means I'm up early no matter what and so I've been a crazy drowsy lady.
I have NEWS: I'm working on a business venture. I'm just doing it. I've had a little idea festering for a while and decided that I will never get out of my $5000debt(yep, I put it out there) or my student loan debt(which I'm not puting out there) or our blasted treehouse with this teaching gig alone. And since I still don't know if or when you will be in the picture and also since I'd like to still do a whole lot of living it makes since for me to take some risks. I'm not nervous at all. Today I had a few hiccups in logistics, but yesterday was fabulous progress. I'm sure it will keep going like that. Maybe you'll notice the masters degree and the small (small small) business and forgive my student loan shenanigans when I tell you I want to be home while mothering our wee ones. I'm trying darn it. It feels really good. And I feel like I have a solid, fool-proof, totally simple idea so I'm hoping for a good supplement to put us just above where we need to be. Nothing lavish (so don't get your hopes up), not that I wouldn't welcome it if it came to give us a little more than expected.
Anyhoo, feeling strong and independent and Rosie theRiveter-ish lately. You will appreciate that about me, yes? And you will also step in and allow me to be a little less independent some too:)
Okay, off to just be with the teenager.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
P.S. I'm kind of wondering about this boy of mine shaving his face. If you were here you would totally help him with that. My word he's practically turning into a man...hurry up.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Dear Husband to Be (maybe),
Hey there! Right? Right, I'm talking to someone? Cause I'm kind of getting the feeling that I'm not. I'm kind of feeling okay with needing to let go of this idea. I'm feeling like it hurts more to hold on to it. At some point I need to be okay with whatever.
In all honesty, I don't know that I'll ever be good enough for you. Not that I'm not good, but good in the way that I'm supposed to be in order for this to happen. Or maybe ready is a better word than good. Maybe it's just going to take too much for me to be ready.
I feel like I'm supposed to care for my body in a much better way in order for you to notice me and then feel good about my example as a mother and wife cause I'm caring for myself better. I feel like you need my body to be different to want to be around me and to feel proud of who the other half of you is.
I feel like I need to be less "blue" less emotional. Less emotionally charged, less teary and sensitive.....and I don't know any other way to be except when I try to be very "yellow," very organized, thoughtful, careful and logical. I feel like blue/emotional can be a lot to take in, and I don't want you to have to "work" to take me in.
I feel like I need to be better at caring for my home....dishes and laundry are everyday things and I should have them down by now. Yet I still have to rev myself up everyday to do them. I still cry about my laundry sometimes which is ridiculous. Cry!
I feel like I should be better at working diligently to progress spiritually. I should be holding personal and family scripture study, Family Home Evening, more consistent family prayers, studying the lessons each week, and visiting the temple often.
I feel like I need to be cooking enough to at least have a good collection of recipes gathered for the family. And that I should be exercising everyday for energy, strength, and good balanced health....and that these things should be habitual by this point in my life.
I also feel like I should laugh more. That I'm too serious and taking too long to process life without giving myself permission to go with it, live it, and enjoy it. It's like I don't know if what I'm laughing at is okay cause I don't really know or trust where I am on the fence of right where I need to be or taking a left turn. And my insecurities keep me from fully letting go cause I would never want the world to really see me.
Or maybe I'm okay with not being ready because I don't really feel like you are worth the risk. It's not worth it to me to accidentally choose the wrong guy. What if I chose the wrong guy??!! That would be so awful. More than awful. I could never do it. I won't do it. Or what if what I'm offering to the right guy is the wrong girl?? How awful it would be to know I AM THE WRONG GIRL.
I don't like not feeling in control of my emotions. And love kind of forces you to lose that control. That's where I fall into the confusing blur of right and wrong and good judgment. I rationalize everything and give entirely too many benefit of the doubts. I don't trust many of my examples and am not getting enough of the good ones I want to know more about.
I know that Heavenly Father will make this all right. He will work it out in my mind, and he will help me work it all out as it should be. I'm just learning that there might not be a husband to be, or more babies that I birth, and that I should be okay with however that turns out. Bummer.
Your Sweetheart to Be (or not),
Stephanie
Hey there! Right? Right, I'm talking to someone? Cause I'm kind of getting the feeling that I'm not. I'm kind of feeling okay with needing to let go of this idea. I'm feeling like it hurts more to hold on to it. At some point I need to be okay with whatever.
In all honesty, I don't know that I'll ever be good enough for you. Not that I'm not good, but good in the way that I'm supposed to be in order for this to happen. Or maybe ready is a better word than good. Maybe it's just going to take too much for me to be ready.
I feel like I'm supposed to care for my body in a much better way in order for you to notice me and then feel good about my example as a mother and wife cause I'm caring for myself better. I feel like you need my body to be different to want to be around me and to feel proud of who the other half of you is.
I feel like I need to be less "blue" less emotional. Less emotionally charged, less teary and sensitive.....and I don't know any other way to be except when I try to be very "yellow," very organized, thoughtful, careful and logical. I feel like blue/emotional can be a lot to take in, and I don't want you to have to "work" to take me in.
I feel like I need to be better at caring for my home....dishes and laundry are everyday things and I should have them down by now. Yet I still have to rev myself up everyday to do them. I still cry about my laundry sometimes which is ridiculous. Cry!
I feel like I should be better at working diligently to progress spiritually. I should be holding personal and family scripture study, Family Home Evening, more consistent family prayers, studying the lessons each week, and visiting the temple often.
I feel like I need to be cooking enough to at least have a good collection of recipes gathered for the family. And that I should be exercising everyday for energy, strength, and good balanced health....and that these things should be habitual by this point in my life.
I also feel like I should laugh more. That I'm too serious and taking too long to process life without giving myself permission to go with it, live it, and enjoy it. It's like I don't know if what I'm laughing at is okay cause I don't really know or trust where I am on the fence of right where I need to be or taking a left turn. And my insecurities keep me from fully letting go cause I would never want the world to really see me.
Or maybe I'm okay with not being ready because I don't really feel like you are worth the risk. It's not worth it to me to accidentally choose the wrong guy. What if I chose the wrong guy??!! That would be so awful. More than awful. I could never do it. I won't do it. Or what if what I'm offering to the right guy is the wrong girl?? How awful it would be to know I AM THE WRONG GIRL.
I don't like not feeling in control of my emotions. And love kind of forces you to lose that control. That's where I fall into the confusing blur of right and wrong and good judgment. I rationalize everything and give entirely too many benefit of the doubts. I don't trust many of my examples and am not getting enough of the good ones I want to know more about.
I know that Heavenly Father will make this all right. He will work it out in my mind, and he will help me work it all out as it should be. I'm just learning that there might not be a husband to be, or more babies that I birth, and that I should be okay with however that turns out. Bummer.
Your Sweetheart to Be (or not),
Stephanie
Monday, March 7, 2011
hi there.
Dear Husband to Be,
What up yo? I mean, how's it going? We haven't talked in a bit. Have we even crossed each other's thoughts? I ignored you on Valentine's, and through all that mushy advertised planned commercial mumbo jumbo (key to my heart: creative, thoughtful and simple). I think I felt sorry for myself for a minute, but honestly it's March now and I can't really remember. I think I remember feeling myself looking (unfairly) to that boy of mine placing an unrealistic expectation on him to fill my void. All I wanted was an exchange of love letters. I would do that with him even if I was married. And even if he were a girl. I think it's sweet and simple and lovely (everyone wants to hear how much they are loved). But when the letter exchange didn't happen and I curled up in a ball inside I knew I was taking it to a whole other place. Again, it'll be so much simpler when you are involved...right? (as much as it comforts, that thought also kind of pisses me off that I can't just accomplish it all in the grand way I want on my own). And why can't I? I TOTALLY CAN....ugh, I'm getting all hot and bothered again.
Okay, so I think I'm particularly fragile right now and needing to just close up the computer to fall into my cozy bed and start again tomorrow.
*
*
*
hilarious that i just thought, "oh, you can't handle me being fragile and i can only write to you when i'm in a good/right/acceptable/appropriate state of mind?" so, did you know we just had our first fight?:) you don't even have to participate! geez, you've got your work cut out for you is all i'm sayin.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
What up yo? I mean, how's it going? We haven't talked in a bit. Have we even crossed each other's thoughts? I ignored you on Valentine's, and through all that mushy advertised planned commercial mumbo jumbo (key to my heart: creative, thoughtful and simple). I think I felt sorry for myself for a minute, but honestly it's March now and I can't really remember. I think I remember feeling myself looking (unfairly) to that boy of mine placing an unrealistic expectation on him to fill my void. All I wanted was an exchange of love letters. I would do that with him even if I was married. And even if he were a girl. I think it's sweet and simple and lovely (everyone wants to hear how much they are loved). But when the letter exchange didn't happen and I curled up in a ball inside I knew I was taking it to a whole other place. Again, it'll be so much simpler when you are involved...right? (as much as it comforts, that thought also kind of pisses me off that I can't just accomplish it all in the grand way I want on my own). And why can't I? I TOTALLY CAN....ugh, I'm getting all hot and bothered again.
Okay, so I think I'm particularly fragile right now and needing to just close up the computer to fall into my cozy bed and start again tomorrow.
*
*
*
hilarious that i just thought, "oh, you can't handle me being fragile and i can only write to you when i'm in a good/right/acceptable/appropriate state of mind?" so, did you know we just had our first fight?:) you don't even have to participate! geez, you've got your work cut out for you is all i'm sayin.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
Sunday, January 2, 2011
(a few) more inquiring questions.
Dear Husband to Be,
If you could do anything you wanted with little (or maybe even no) limitations, what would it be? Would you travel the world? Would you buy a farm (with a swing;)? Would you collect every fun "toy" (boat, old cars, etc.) or live modestly and save your loot?
If money were no object, what would your dream job be? What are your ideal financial dreams/goals/plans? Aside from "to have a lot of money" (which seems like a typical or more obvious answer) I mean really, what do you want? Why? Are you doing anything now to work towards those financial ideals?
What do you dream of doing with your family? When you picture them, what do you think of? What image comes to mind? Do you see faces? Do you see traditions? Do you see routine, family rhythm, things you always do or say? Do you see things your family MUST experience together? the beach? snow? forts? game nights? outdoor movies? (the possibilities are as big or small as you imagine them...what are they?)
What do you want for yourself? Who do you want to be? Are you living the life you want to live? Or at least following the path you feel good about living, and trusting that it will get you to the life you want to be living? Are you the person you want to be, even when you are by yourself? Are you becoming the man you thought you'd become? Is it better, worse, or just as you imagined?
Do you smile at people? Do you shake hands? Do you have a firm handshake? (cause I'll be honest and say I would die otherwise:) Do you notice people's body language? Are you helpful when help is needed? Or even when it's not? Do you ask what you can do to help? Or say, I'd like to help with 'this' when you suspect they'd still not be comfortable delegating? Are you aware? Observant? Faithful?
Do you speak kindly about yourself? Do you speak kindly to yourself in your self-talk? What would others say about you? What would YOU say about you?
I suppose that's all for now. For today. I'm sure I'll have more;)
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
If you could do anything you wanted with little (or maybe even no) limitations, what would it be? Would you travel the world? Would you buy a farm (with a swing;)? Would you collect every fun "toy" (boat, old cars, etc.) or live modestly and save your loot?
If money were no object, what would your dream job be? What are your ideal financial dreams/goals/plans? Aside from "to have a lot of money" (which seems like a typical or more obvious answer) I mean really, what do you want? Why? Are you doing anything now to work towards those financial ideals?
What do you dream of doing with your family? When you picture them, what do you think of? What image comes to mind? Do you see faces? Do you see traditions? Do you see routine, family rhythm, things you always do or say? Do you see things your family MUST experience together? the beach? snow? forts? game nights? outdoor movies? (the possibilities are as big or small as you imagine them...what are they?)
What do you want for yourself? Who do you want to be? Are you living the life you want to live? Or at least following the path you feel good about living, and trusting that it will get you to the life you want to be living? Are you the person you want to be, even when you are by yourself? Are you becoming the man you thought you'd become? Is it better, worse, or just as you imagined?
Do you smile at people? Do you shake hands? Do you have a firm handshake? (cause I'll be honest and say I would die otherwise:) Do you notice people's body language? Are you helpful when help is needed? Or even when it's not? Do you ask what you can do to help? Or say, I'd like to help with 'this' when you suspect they'd still not be comfortable delegating? Are you aware? Observant? Faithful?
Do you speak kindly about yourself? Do you speak kindly to yourself in your self-talk? What would others say about you? What would YOU say about you?
I suppose that's all for now. For today. I'm sure I'll have more;)
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
Thursday, December 30, 2010
wondering and such.
Dear Husband to Be,
I've been thinking of you again. Not in a yearning kind of way, but more in a curious way. I'm wondering about you. About the look of you. About your temperament and demeanor. About your quirks. About your style...will you need my help or will you have that all figured out? (it's perfectly acceptable to not quite have that figured out) Will our styles mesh? (of course they will)
What are your family holidays like? What are your traditions? What are you doing with your life? Why are we not yet connected? Is it me? Do I have more work to do? I do...but I mean, the kind of work that makes me ready for you. Cause I kind of feel ready. I think. It's hard to tell because I'm often more content with a life of me and the boy. It doesn't feel complicated. Or as complicated as all that would be required for my slow processing brain to take in another kind of life. I feel like I would resist every change or stage. But perhaps I wouldn't and life wouldn't be "another" life, but would be our lives enriched. Like the sadness that comes just before having the second child and wondering how you could ever love someone as much as the first, yet upon arrival seeing that the love only expands (isn't split) and engulfs all that is necessary and more. Sigh. I know I am capable of this.
Have you ever considered living in another country for a year? Or a summer? Would your job allow such shenanigans? I'm yearning for a big idea for the boy and I. I have several somethings swirling in my head that all seem dreamy yet realistic(ish). But then there's that hint of fear. Fear of change (although that's the point), fear of making mistakes, fear of not doing things according to HF's will. Fear of ruining the boy, although I almost feel prompted to make this sort of change for him. Another country for a school year? A far off orphanage for a summer? Such decisions would require amazing downsizing of this massive collection of things I have accumulated in my 32 years. That alone makes me almost leap with excitement.
I suppose I'll go and ponder. And pray. Are you doing these things? We will do them together as well, so make sure you are in a good habit on your own;)
Until next time....
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
I've been thinking of you again. Not in a yearning kind of way, but more in a curious way. I'm wondering about you. About the look of you. About your temperament and demeanor. About your quirks. About your style...will you need my help or will you have that all figured out? (it's perfectly acceptable to not quite have that figured out) Will our styles mesh? (of course they will)
What are your family holidays like? What are your traditions? What are you doing with your life? Why are we not yet connected? Is it me? Do I have more work to do? I do...but I mean, the kind of work that makes me ready for you. Cause I kind of feel ready. I think. It's hard to tell because I'm often more content with a life of me and the boy. It doesn't feel complicated. Or as complicated as all that would be required for my slow processing brain to take in another kind of life. I feel like I would resist every change or stage. But perhaps I wouldn't and life wouldn't be "another" life, but would be our lives enriched. Like the sadness that comes just before having the second child and wondering how you could ever love someone as much as the first, yet upon arrival seeing that the love only expands (isn't split) and engulfs all that is necessary and more. Sigh. I know I am capable of this.
Have you ever considered living in another country for a year? Or a summer? Would your job allow such shenanigans? I'm yearning for a big idea for the boy and I. I have several somethings swirling in my head that all seem dreamy yet realistic(ish). But then there's that hint of fear. Fear of change (although that's the point), fear of making mistakes, fear of not doing things according to HF's will. Fear of ruining the boy, although I almost feel prompted to make this sort of change for him. Another country for a school year? A far off orphanage for a summer? Such decisions would require amazing downsizing of this massive collection of things I have accumulated in my 32 years. That alone makes me almost leap with excitement.
I suppose I'll go and ponder. And pray. Are you doing these things? We will do them together as well, so make sure you are in a good habit on your own;)
Until next time....
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
Friday, October 22, 2010
there must be a swing.
Dear Husband to Be,
In my adulthood I have found one consistent obsession that seems to linger in the back of my mind regularly. It's my go-to thought. It's my EASYbutton, or relief button, or dreamy ultimate relaxation button that when pressed transfers to the forefront of my mind and releases a beautiful feeling of peace throughout my being. It's true. It's true that in our life together there must be a swing.
A beautiful hanging porch swing. A swing that will rock us as we hold hands, rock us as we ponder life, rock us as our family grows, rock us as we take on the world. My tween is almost a teen and he will certainly benefit from the peace of the swing. He will be the child to break in the rocking-the-childhood/teenage-worries away. I will sit with him in the breeze and he will grow stronger. As will the children that follow him.
You can build it or we can purchase it. It can be white, or yellow, or artistically crafted. It will be amazing and it will be ours. There most certainly must be a swing.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
In my adulthood I have found one consistent obsession that seems to linger in the back of my mind regularly. It's my go-to thought. It's my EASYbutton, or relief button, or dreamy ultimate relaxation button that when pressed transfers to the forefront of my mind and releases a beautiful feeling of peace throughout my being. It's true. It's true that in our life together there must be a swing.
A beautiful hanging porch swing. A swing that will rock us as we hold hands, rock us as we ponder life, rock us as our family grows, rock us as we take on the world. My tween is almost a teen and he will certainly benefit from the peace of the swing. He will be the child to break in the rocking-the-childhood/teenage-worries away. I will sit with him in the breeze and he will grow stronger. As will the children that follow him.
You can build it or we can purchase it. It can be white, or yellow, or artistically crafted. It will be amazing and it will be ours. There most certainly must be a swing.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
Thursday, June 24, 2010
good morning.
Dear Husband to Be,
once upon a time i would wake up in the mornings in the same condition as when i slipped away into dreamland the night before. every hair in place, my washed and cared-for face...or the samemascaraasthedaybefore face always looking as though i was fresh and ready for the day. people commented...how long have you been awake? did you even sleep? how do you do that?
and
now
i
get
it.
cause now, not so much.
my body is stiff and i move a smidge like my grandma.
my face is always puffy...with sleep marks...and yesterday's mascara. only now yesterday's mascara is smudged across my eyes like a raccoon.
my hair often has a missing bobby pin stuck in it somewhere, and it's certainly not "fixed" with each strand perfectly obeying.
and if i did happen to follow the nightly routine of washing my face, you might see a clean kind of scary no make-up face, and no eyelashes. no eyelashes. not because i have no eyelashes, but because they are blond and you cannot see them, which it quite a contrast from the thick layer of black i put on them daily. it's lovely. lovely i tell you.
are you excited to wake up next to me? can you just not wait?
perhaps in your favor is that i am a morning person. i always wake up happy. yesterday really was yesterday...i love new beginnings/fresh starts any way i can get them. and i really feel that way about every day.
i might not appear beautiful right away, but i feel beautiful-ish. almost like cinderella singing to the birds (so beware?). if you give me a bit to transform, i will in fact transform. Have a little bit of leeway for those few necessary beauty products to make it all happen;)
Your Sweetheart to Be (tenderly warning you),
Stephanie
once upon a time i would wake up in the mornings in the same condition as when i slipped away into dreamland the night before. every hair in place, my washed and cared-for face...or the samemascaraasthedaybefore face always looking as though i was fresh and ready for the day. people commented...how long have you been awake? did you even sleep? how do you do that?
and
now
i
get
it.
cause now, not so much.
my body is stiff and i move a smidge like my grandma.
my face is always puffy...with sleep marks...and yesterday's mascara. only now yesterday's mascara is smudged across my eyes like a raccoon.
my hair often has a missing bobby pin stuck in it somewhere, and it's certainly not "fixed" with each strand perfectly obeying.
and if i did happen to follow the nightly routine of washing my face, you might see a clean kind of scary no make-up face, and no eyelashes. no eyelashes. not because i have no eyelashes, but because they are blond and you cannot see them, which it quite a contrast from the thick layer of black i put on them daily. it's lovely. lovely i tell you.
are you excited to wake up next to me? can you just not wait?
perhaps in your favor is that i am a morning person. i always wake up happy. yesterday really was yesterday...i love new beginnings/fresh starts any way i can get them. and i really feel that way about every day.
i might not appear beautiful right away, but i feel beautiful-ish. almost like cinderella singing to the birds (so beware?). if you give me a bit to transform, i will in fact transform. Have a little bit of leeway for those few necessary beauty products to make it all happen;)
Your Sweetheart to Be (tenderly warning you),
Stephanie
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Dear Husband to Be,
There is nothing in this world that I relish more than being a mother. I absolutely whole heartedly love it. Yet, I hate the holiday of Mother'sDay. And hot on it's tail is a holiday I despise even more, Father'sDay. Now, you should know I have a list of way varying reasons for such strong feelings pertaining to circumstances that belong both to me and those around me....we'll talk all those details one romantic night when you're dying to know why I think the way I do about life and such.
You must must must be on my side in thinking that together we raise the children to celebrate our family members. We teach them what that looks like, what that feels like. We get to teach them what it is to serve and love each other everyday...and creatively on days meant just for them: birthdays, mother's days, father's days, anniversaries, and more. There's more! I will gather the children and we will celebrate you. You will gather the children and celebrate me. Even if it's to declare "I Love You" in a powerful happy way. And together we celebrate each member of our family. It will be an exciting time to honor each of our own. Presents?Hmpf. The focus is acknowledgement. Sweet, beautiful acknowledgement that you are important. You matter. And you are loved. There will be no dread, no worry, no stress. There will be no more knot in the pit of my stomach as these holidays near. And the children will learn how to care for the relationships in their lives.
I do my best to do it myself. Honestly, my very very best. But the 2days that belong in May and June in particular are a minimum two-man job. For now that means emotional chaos for all members in our home. One day, it will be different. And all I can think about that time is yesssssssssssssssssss.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
There is nothing in this world that I relish more than being a mother. I absolutely whole heartedly love it. Yet, I hate the holiday of Mother'sDay. And hot on it's tail is a holiday I despise even more, Father'sDay. Now, you should know I have a list of way varying reasons for such strong feelings pertaining to circumstances that belong both to me and those around me....we'll talk all those details one romantic night when you're dying to know why I think the way I do about life and such.
You must must must be on my side in thinking that together we raise the children to celebrate our family members. We teach them what that looks like, what that feels like. We get to teach them what it is to serve and love each other everyday...and creatively on days meant just for them: birthdays, mother's days, father's days, anniversaries, and more. There's more! I will gather the children and we will celebrate you. You will gather the children and celebrate me. Even if it's to declare "I Love You" in a powerful happy way. And together we celebrate each member of our family. It will be an exciting time to honor each of our own. Presents?Hmpf. The focus is acknowledgement. Sweet, beautiful acknowledgement that you are important. You matter. And you are loved. There will be no dread, no worry, no stress. There will be no more knot in the pit of my stomach as these holidays near. And the children will learn how to care for the relationships in their lives.
I do my best to do it myself. Honestly, my very very best. But the 2days that belong in May and June in particular are a minimum two-man job. For now that means emotional chaos for all members in our home. One day, it will be different. And all I can think about that time is yesssssssssssssssssss.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
Friday, June 18, 2010
is this a good time?
Dear Husband to Be,
I don't really know if this is a good time to bring it up.....buuuuut, your honey-do list is getting a little full. I mean, I'm pretty self-reliant and roll my eyes at many things some other women wouldn't dream of doing on their own. But there are a few things. The I-cannot-figure-it-out kind of things. Or the there's-no-way-I-can-do-that-without-help kind of things. And so if you could just kind of keep that in mind while we're working on this whole "time apart" thing, that would be great:)
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
I don't really know if this is a good time to bring it up.....buuuuut, your honey-do list is getting a little full. I mean, I'm pretty self-reliant and roll my eyes at many things some other women wouldn't dream of doing on their own. But there are a few things. The I-cannot-figure-it-out kind of things. Or the there's-no-way-I-can-do-that-without-help kind of things. And so if you could just kind of keep that in mind while we're working on this whole "time apart" thing, that would be great:)
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
Thursday, June 17, 2010
attributes and time.
Dear Husband to Be,
Does this describe you? Is this the relationship you think of when you think of me?
Does this describe you? Is this the relationship you think of when you think of me?
faithful priesthood bearer
servant of our Father in Heaven
tender and eternal relationship
mutually dedicated and devoted to nurture and support our children (and grandchildren!)....sometimes husbands leave the nurturing part for the mother. not you, though. thank you for that (in advance).
with you the cute boy and i will be blessed and protected
joyous life together
and more...
and so to prepare for our meeting I will read my scriptures everyday and never miss a personal prayer, and not worry about when we will meet but feel confident that at the appropriate time we will. A wise, adorable man once told me in a blessing not to fret. A beautiful lady shared her testimony at church on Sunday and talked about how time is erased the moment we receive the person/thing/act we longed for. Sometimes it feels like too long. But it's so true that all that longing and waiting and very real awareness of time, disappears. Such reassurance and peace.
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
feeling the idea.
Dear Husband to Be,
There are some days when I feel like I'm living more for you than others. Well, I mean days that I am living more with you in mind. This blog, puts you in my mind. Often I am mostly aware of the idea of you...the logistics, the simplicity of getting to function with my best friend, not having to making every darn decision on my own, getting to have you there for all those little moments I wish someone else got to see/feel/experience with me. Like that cute boy of mine doing something...cute. or hilarious. or so kind for someone else that it sends in instant lump in your throat. I know those aren't only sentimental motherly feelings. I know that you will delight in them, too. Or even my own small victories and moments of bliss, and totally hilarious blunders (cause they are frequent and interesting). One day I will tell you why I hestitate before going intoWalgreens. It will be nice to have you there.
What I think these letters will do to me most is remind me of what it might feel like to know you. The idea of you is simple, obvious logistics. But the feeling of you is something harder to imagine. It's harder to get right. It's harder to understand and know. It's the feeling that I am scared to get swept away in and then all sense of rationality goes flying out the window. I like that I can tap into the feeling of you a smidge and maintain my sense of self. You should know I am not a fan of not knowing/understanding myself. So I'm sure at some point in our dating I will get incredibly overwhelmed by my feelings and have a total freak-out. It's okay...give me a second to process and when I understand me (or am comfortable with that moment of not understanding), all will be right in the world.
Today while I finish up the laundry and organizing of the ol treehouse I will do it with you in mind. It's really for the boy, but I often think that when we are in order and progressing it's bringing us closer to you.
Are you doing the same?
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
There are some days when I feel like I'm living more for you than others. Well, I mean days that I am living more with you in mind. This blog, puts you in my mind. Often I am mostly aware of the idea of you...the logistics, the simplicity of getting to function with my best friend, not having to making every darn decision on my own, getting to have you there for all those little moments I wish someone else got to see/feel/experience with me. Like that cute boy of mine doing something...cute. or hilarious. or so kind for someone else that it sends in instant lump in your throat. I know those aren't only sentimental motherly feelings. I know that you will delight in them, too. Or even my own small victories and moments of bliss, and totally hilarious blunders (cause they are frequent and interesting). One day I will tell you why I hestitate before going intoWalgreens. It will be nice to have you there.
What I think these letters will do to me most is remind me of what it might feel like to know you. The idea of you is simple, obvious logistics. But the feeling of you is something harder to imagine. It's harder to get right. It's harder to understand and know. It's the feeling that I am scared to get swept away in and then all sense of rationality goes flying out the window. I like that I can tap into the feeling of you a smidge and maintain my sense of self. You should know I am not a fan of not knowing/understanding myself. So I'm sure at some point in our dating I will get incredibly overwhelmed by my feelings and have a total freak-out. It's okay...give me a second to process and when I understand me (or am comfortable with that moment of not understanding), all will be right in the world.
Today while I finish up the laundry and organizing of the ol treehouse I will do it with you in mind. It's really for the boy, but I often think that when we are in order and progressing it's bringing us closer to you.
Are you doing the same?
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
hello...until we meet.
Dear Husband to Be,
This idea was gifted to me by a family member to another creative gal needing to converse with her own some day guy. I was inspired. Since I talk to you and about you all the time anyway, it only makes since to have some sort of record of our pre-life-together thoughts and happenings. I know you are busy building your empire and such (right?), but while we are apart, I will share with you bits of me. You know...until we actually happen to stumble upon each other. Which will be soon (right?).
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
This idea was gifted to me by a family member to another creative gal needing to converse with her own some day guy. I was inspired. Since I talk to you and about you all the time anyway, it only makes since to have some sort of record of our pre-life-together thoughts and happenings. I know you are busy building your empire and such (right?), but while we are apart, I will share with you bits of me. You know...until we actually happen to stumble upon each other. Which will be soon (right?).
Your Sweetheart to Be,
Stephanie
